I studied Buddhism for years in college. I still have all the books; some have even already made it out of storage. I wonder if part of the poet’s journey is to try Buddhism for a while. The ideas of zen calm and reincarnation and enlightenment are what we poets live for. But with it comes the non-attachment to outcomes and the release of desire. My poet acquaintance Lauren Brazzle Zuniga wrote a poem. The line that I won’t soon forget, that validated my walking away from Buddhism was “If nothing is special, and nothing is significant, then what the hell is the point of living?”
Then I started following this influencer on Instagram. He is an author also, and he is very poetic in his book promotion. When I began interacting with his IG and his Substack, I noticed that he was leaning into the Buddhism of it all. I got invited to join him and his people for Dharma meditation on Tuesday nights.
One of the themes of the group, a concept we refer back to often, is a paraphrase of this quote by one of the top dog Buddhists. Thich Nhat Hahn said: “If we think we have twenty-four hours to achieve a certain purpose, today will become a means to attain an end. The moment of chopping wood and carrying water is the moment of happiness. We do not need to wait for these chores to be done to be happy. To have happiness in this moment is the spirit of aimlessness. Otherwise, we will run in circles for the rest of our life. We have everything we need to make the present moment the happiest in our life, even if we have a cold or a headache. We don't have to wait until we get over our cold to be happy. Having a cold is a part of life.” The actor-author-Dharma leader paraphrases it as: “Chop wood, carry water, sweep the stairs, and be happy.”
My brain is literal, so I needed to know what these meditative actions are in 2024 when I don’t chop wood or live near a well. I decided that it’s legitimately still tedium to drink water, eat healthful food, sleep, and move. As all the TikTokers and my writing buddy say, it’s an effort that needs a reminder to “drink water and mind my business.” I have to stop being so busy that I don’t “eat a food.” And my sleep and movement are just as important as my work. They are also my work.
It’s possible that what really happened with that job is that my body or my spirit is repelling busyness and capitalism. If we are considering energy management, maybe my energy is repelling schedules and bosses and only has tolerance for partners and consulting. The part of me that browbeat my body into practicality feels like if my spirit wanted to start full-time entrepreneurship now, all she had to do was sell books and consulting so that I could confidently not spend all summer looking for a job. She is supposed to be able to manifest the money, right?
Here’s where I’m looking for the spiritual tea.
I have previously believed that one or a few gods have their hands heavy in the mix of people’s lives. I decided this when I got accidentally pregnant in an odds-are-against-it way. Even before that, but especially after, I said God play too much.
If I’m being a little more Deistic, assuming that the gods aren’t really worried about us like that, then I get into the attraction of it all. From August 2023 to now I have sporadically (key adjective) meditated on being a full-time entrepreneur. I solicited public speaking gigs and created a services page on my website. I talked with friends about it endlessly. And then from October to December I talked to my friends and bosses about continuing to work at my school. I kept saying I wanted to build my business on the side for one or two more school years in order to pay off my debts before launching. In 2024, I have vacillated back and forth between being ready now and doing both for one or two more years. It seems logical that maybe, like the dream I had right before my birthday where all the timelines and locations had collapsed, I had confused the frequencies so much that instead of working one course of action, they worked both.
Until my true will won out and energetically repelled a day job.
I still don’t know if I can be a Buddhist. I just know it makes sense to dedicate much of my effort to being aimlessly, presently committed to happiness in the tedium of drink water, eat healthful food, sleep, and move.