Being My InnerG

on releasing my need to work and allowing myself to be.

Table of Contents:
A brief timeline
on Restoration
on Abundance
on Moving Forward

A brief timeline:

January 1 2017, I had 3 words ready for the year - Restoration, Abundance, Love. And it became the year where I incurred the biggest trauma of my lifetime. That’s the year I knew for sure that the energy some of y’all call “God” did not care about my wellbeing.¹

2018 was full of trial and error, writing and moving around. I don’t remember much. The last week or two of the year, I was in love and simultaneous grief.

January 1, 2019, I was ready to write my way through it all and nurture my entrepreneurial dreams. I predicted the second biggest trauma of my life but had no idea the third biggest would happen the exact same week.

January 1, 2020, I didn’t resolve much except to prove to my grad school program that I belonged in it.

January 1, 2021, I spent the time with a friend and re-upped the previous words plus one: Restoration, Abundance, Love, Strength.

2018, 2021, 2023 from left to right

That’s the era where my desperation began and January 1, 2025 is the year it ends.

I ended 2022 with my master’s degree in literature. And I had moved to Guatemala. I don’t need any more stats from that year. Haha.

I ended 2023 full of poetry, knowing I would return to the states.

on Restoration

When I chose this word, I was expecting y’all’s god to pay me back for everything I’d suffered.

If I fast-forward past all the explanations of my process to this current season, I know logically that my body and brain are trying to figure out how to restore myself. I was a workaholic who over-committed to things and never slept. And then I was a person who was terrified of committing to things and didn't follow up. I know that the happy medium is right around the corner. I AM restoring my balance, my health, my relationship to work. Sometimes it still feels frustrating to I remember when I was Little Miss Get It All Done.

on Abundance

When I chose this word, I was expecting y’all’s god to pay me back for the injustice of capitalism.

And also I was prepared to work double-time to get it.

A person cannot receive from god-energy while working with human energy.

I spoke to someone online who said they didn’t resonate at all with the word work.² One of our elder Black creators (most say James Baldwin)³ said about a dream job: “I don’t dream of labor.” These concepts were beyond my comprehension because I was too busy vibing with human energy.

Now, I know that I am a storyteller, writer, performer, exhibitionist. I am meant to talk and write and show and do things in front of people. I was introduced to a process and concept I’m not ready to name. But it became a process of figuring myself out, my own innerg, my god-particle, the imago dei, the piece of god-energy that refined itself into my body and will cease to exist when my body passes away.

The evidence of why it wasn’t working is all right here now. The inside work for me is the outside work for my “business.” I do not earn. I do not work. I AM. Since my earliest days of embodiment, some people have sown from their abundance in order to help increase the abundance of who I AM. It’s been breadcrumbing my whole life, and the whole last year. Having that concept arrive in my consciousness from the collective enlightened consciousness has been slow and annoying, but at least now I get it.

As everyone has said, but I guess I’m hard-headed about my innerG…the business is me. The brand is me. The niche is me.

Moving Forward

I am hesitant with any type of challenge. How many books will I read this year? I won’t project a number. How many poems/essays/stories/manuscripts will I submit this year? I won’t project a number. How many pounds will I lose? How many days at the gym? How many days with no meat or caffeine? I will continue not setting resolutions and I will stop thinking about goals and habits.⁴

I AM who and what and how I am. A dear poet I know, Melissa May, wrote about God: “I’m tired of painting myself ‘will be’ when You were always ‘I AM.’”

I will. That is not a future projection. It is a statement that I have an autonomous will and as I get comfortable BEING, I can continue willing. Otherwise called manifesting.

Eartha Kitt and Prince and Nikki Giovanni and bell hooks and Toni Morrison and Maya Angelou are not known for working. They are known for BEING who and what they were meant to be in the world. (I will circle back to artists’ relationship to work later on.)

Shoutout to Mystery School.
Shoutout to Tuesday night Dharma and meditation.
Shoutout to Nuclear Fusion.
Shoutout to those who like and love me now and those who always have.

I AM not a thing to figure out or a problem to solve.

My renewed blogging focus is on being my own innerG and finding the rhyme “ore” reason in lit(erary) media.

Welcome to the front row.

1. We don’t need to argue about this. If we are friends for real, we can chat about our different experiences. If we do not know each other personally, just……turn the other cheek. Or whatever.

2. I am asking this person if they want to be tagged before tagging them, but not delaying my publishing process.

3. I can’t find the footage, only the viral TikTok sound.

4. This is the video I watched (like 5 times). This is the entire video which I have not seen.